I just wanna write

I’ve been stuck in this weird feeling for many, many years. It’s one that has me strongly compelled to write my thoughts, to share my internal dialogue about whatever is captivating my attention at any given time. I have these conversations in my head, where I work out ways that I would walk through my views on an issue, or explain challenging concepts — whether they are ones I feel I’ve figured out, or ones I am still untangling. I recently heard that it’s common among some neurodivergents to have entire practice conversations, so, I guess that just means I know where it comes from, but I still don’t know what to do with that.

You’re supposed to journal

Yes, and I have. Sometimes. Intermittently. It’s something that has helped me through harder emotional times, just dumping words onto a page freely as if I were pouring them out to a kind, patient, loving, and nonjudgmental friend holding space for me, who’s always available on paper.

But a journal’s just been where I put down the really wonky loose thoughts, the just-for-myself thoughts. There are other sorts of conversations I’d want to capture in writing that are presumably more structured, or rather, onto which I’d like to impose structure through writing, ones that I presume other people would benefit from. There are technical ones about challenges I’ve worked through at my job or see in the industry, or meditations on riding or training, or ponderings on social media trends, or… I dunno, so many things!

Who’s it for?

Sometimes I imagine myself sharing these thoughts or conversations in a spoken form, as if on a podcast, since I’m often speaking them out loud in an emty car. But who would I be speaking to? It really depends on the topic at hand, since my interests are so diverse.

I think that’s the same obstacle I see which continuously prevents me from practicing writing more formally, and from ever getting this blog off the ground. [And is it even a blog? What does that even mean anymore?] Who is the audience? I feel like it’s a piece of advice that’s always given so strongly to writers developing their voice — think of your audience — but like, you’re not all one…?

Sometimes, I want to share advice with more junior developers; sometimes, with designers who could use the perspective of a developer; sometimes, with work peers with similar views; sometimes, with a younger or more naive version of myself (in any context). Sometimes, I wanna pretend I’m an interior designer or DIY diva, sharing something I built or made. Sometimes, I wanna teach. Sometimes, I wanna reminisce. Sometimes, I just wanna rant.

No one wants all of that.

But, maybe, some people want some?

Writing it all anyway

Being a strong believer that content should drive web design, that form should follow function, I’ve kept my website in a weird limbo for far too many years while I wait to figure out what it is and who I imagine would visit — usually, this means trying desperately to refresh it in a hurry when I’m trying to secure a new job, but that just causes a paralyzing pressure and leaves me entirely inert.

I think I’ll just have to lean into my focus word for this year [another post I have in mind to write] and just practice writing anyway. Practice is imperfect, it’s messy, but it’s allowed to be, because that’s where growth comes from.

So, I dunno why anyone would be reading this, except that I may have sent you here to explain how I’m clearly not a writer and have no idea what I’m doing. Cuz that’s the point of this post, to communicate that to… someone. So have I done that? Am I a writer now? Did I win?